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08 August 2008 @ 05:36 pm
ZOMG.
I just got an email with this enclosed:

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AND THEN I GOT ANOTHER ONE!


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Dude, seriously.  That'll give me nightmares for a week.
 
 
Current Location: in a place of scary things
Current Mood: scaredscarred for life
Current Music: AHHH
 
 
 
08 August 2008 @ 02:57 pm
(Breaking Dawn spoilers)

DUDE.
MY SPERM TOTALLY WORKS.  IT DIDN'T SHOOT A HOLE IN BELLA'S VAJAYJAY.  IT DID, HOWEVER, IMPREGNATE HER WITH MY DEMONSPAWNGORGEOUS CUTE DARLING LITTLE GIRL.  HOW AWESOME AM I?

The other day, I (stupidly) allowed Jacob to watch Renesmee Carlie Rosalice Jemmett Edwardina Jacoba MikeNewton Elizabeth Masen Lauren Jessica Meyer Angela Cullen while Bella and I did the nasty again.  When we were done, I came to pick up my demonspawndaughter and HE WAS TOTALLY FEELING HER UP.  DUDE.  SERIOUSLY.  THE SICKNASTY PERV.

He was all, "OMG NO I WAS NOT FEELING HER UP I WAS WIPING BLOOD OFF OF HER SHIRT!" and I was all, "LOL YA RITE.  YOU ARE SO LYING, BITCH.  GET YER FURRY PAWS OFF MAH BB!" and he said, "I AM NOT FURRY...RIGHT NOW."  So I snatched Ness-Ness away from him and took her back home, with her saying, "LOL Father, I can confirm that Jacob intended nothing perverted when he placed his hand on my premature bossom."  And I was like, "WTF?  YOU'RE, LIKE, FIVE YEARS OLD."  She smiled at me and bit my arm, looking for blood.  Dumb little bitch.

So anyway, we got home and Carlisle scolded me for not listening to Jacob and Ness-Ness.  Haha.  Oops.  Then Bella came over, snatched my mutant X-men freak child away from me, and left.  Seriously.  I have no idea where they are.

BELLAAAAAAA.  I miss you, baby. :( :( :(
Please come back.
I promise that I can't impregnate you with my AWESOMEsperm anymore.
I love you.

Fare thee well,
Edward
 
 
Current Location: Emo Corner
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: I Slit My Wrists When No One's Around by E.M.O.
 
 
 
31 July 2008 @ 10:45 pm
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH? DO YOU?

Photobucket

YES, THAT IS EMMETT. HE IS WEARING ROSALIE'S MAKE UP. I WALKED IN ON HER GIVING HIM A MAKEOVER. GODDD. I HATE MY STUPID LIFE.

AND THEN HE GOT OUT HIS HANNAH MONTANA WIG AND STARTED SINGING, "THE SEVEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOUUUU! YOU'RE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU'RE A JERK YOUR FRIENDS ARE JERKS YOUR MOM'S A JERK YOUR DOG'S A JERK BUT I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU!" or something like that. Y*(YD{OIuq 90yn- i4-0[pd

I have that RIDICULOUS song stuck in my head.  SHE SAYS MORE THAN SEVEN THINGS. But anyway, I've written a new version, dedicated to my (dysfunctional) family.

7 Things (I Hate About Cullens):

It's time for me to say this
I've hidden it for too long
This family does some crazy things
And those things are just wrong
We're disturbing, and the town is
Beginning to notice that something's not right
So now I've got to reveal the truth
About us

The seven things I hate about Cullens
The seven things I hate about Cullens
Yeah
Our name
Rose is vain
What's up with Jasper
And my constant anger?
Alice does crack

Esme's wacked
Carlisle had the neighbors for a snack
Emmett stuffs his bra to increase his bust
Ibuprofen is a must
People stare whenever we go out
And the seventh thing I hate the most about us:
I'm crazy, too

It's awkward when we go out
And people turn their heads
Because we're just so sexy that humans never can quite believe
And I know it must be hard
To see a family
That's so full of grief
I want to leave this house
But I've been down that road before

The seven things I hate about Cullens
Yeah
Our name
Rose is vain
What's up with Jasper
And my constant anger?
Alice does crack

Esme's wacked
Carlisle had the neighbors for a snack
Emmett stuffs his bra to increase his bust
Ibuprofen is a must
People stare whenever we go out
And the seventh thing I hate the most about us:
I'm crazy, too

But even though we should be
Somewhere with padded walls
I think I'll let you all know
It's not that bad at all...

The seven things I like about Cullens
We're hot
We rock
Our house is huge
We're rich and flaunt it, too
We're not sane, but it's okay
'Cause I love them all anyway
Hunting trips on those sunny days
Almost make me forget how gay
My brothers can be sometimes
And the seventh thing I like the most about us:
I'm crazy, too

SUCK ON THAT, MILEY CYRUS.
 
 
Current Location: hmph
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
 
 
 
29 July 2008 @ 11:42 pm
We've been trying to come up with a band name. Here are all of our ideas:

Mine: The Hardcore Angsty Emo Goth Vamps
Rosalie's: The Pretty Pretty Sparkle-poos
Alice: Futurific
Jasper: Mood Ring
Emmett: The Cullen-Hale Connection
Bella (remember, she's on electric triangle): SexNow

Anyway...

NEW SONG NEW SONG NEW SONG. I had a brilliant idea for a song for Alice to sing and it doesn't mention steely penises or anything! It's extremely fabulous. I'm dedicating it to Bella, the only reason for my existence. BELLA, WHEN I'M WITH YOU, IT'S ALMOST LIKE I HAVE A SOOOUUULLLL. WHEN I CLEARLY DO NOT. BUT IF I DID, IT WOULD BE WEARING ALL BLACK. AND IT WOULD SHOP AT HOT TOPIC. AND PROBABLY WEAR GUYLINER. AND (leather) SKINNY JEANS. AND HARDCORE UNDERWEAR WITH PICTURES OF INVADER ZIM.

You have my (unbeating) heart
It sucks when we're apart
I read dirty magazines
But they only make me start

To miss you even more
And some skantastic whore
Will never take your place
Or make me hate your face
Because

I know you love another fella
But vampires are simply better
Said I'll always love you so
Don't you break my heart by tryna go

Baby you know, I'll live forever
And you're just so fucking clever
You will always be my Bella
You will always be my Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh)
You will be my Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh eh)
Forever my sexy Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh)
I love you, Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh-eh)

Now Jacob Black, I'll give him a little slack
'Cause who wouldn't love you with all the great stuff that you do?
Werewolves have beating hearts
But my bite will beat his bark
If you chose him he'd leave his mark
On another woman's heart
Because

Imprinting will meet that other fella
He'll be stuck with her forever
And where will you be then?
All alone with his furry freak children?

Now that you've chosen me, he'd better
Respect our love for each other
'Cause you'll always be my Bella
Yeah, you'll always be my Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh)
Tell Jacob you're my Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh)
I will have you, darling Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh)
Please don't leave me, Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh-eh)

Yeah, I left you for a while
But in those months I did not smile
I need you, boo
And I know you need me, too, ooh

So let's try with all our might
Marriage, virtue, and my final bite
Because

When the sun shines, we'll sparkle together
The two of us will live on forever
Said I'll love you til the end
But now we'll live on, even then

We will have love for each other
And kinky sex that will disturb my adopted mother
But you'll always be my Bella
To my family, you're our Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh)
You're one of us now, Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh)
We'll protect you, my lovely Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh)
And you'll always be my Bella
(Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh-eh)

We're sexy (sexy)
Ooh, baby, we're sexy (sexy)
Bella, come here to me
No virtue will be
Around

We're sexy (sexy)
Ooh, yeah, so sexy (sexy)
Together we will be
Together we will be




So, what do you think? Once again, Jasper is trying to rain on my parade by saying it sounds like Umbrella by Rihanna (lolwhut?). He's such a downer who shops for his clothes at Hot Topic and just got sidebangs so he looks hardcore.

I'll let you know what Alice says about singing it.

*ten minutes later*
GAHHHHHHHHH. SHE SAID SHE WON'T SING IT, WTH? I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE IT'LL MAKE HER LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS HOUSE OF FREAKSFAMILY? THEY ARE TOTALLY TRYING TO STIFLE MY ARTISTIC MUSE. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ANNNGGGGSSSSSTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UWUEIAOGJ0429UYJ;AODKVOAPI=02105-=`196=268-08AFS;GLM 326908-2ANC,MASNVGN.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STUPID VAMPIRES.

P.S. YO I GOTTA HOLLA AT MAH BITCHES THA SCKATHERS. PEACE AND LOVE, YO.

P.P.S. HERE'S THE BACKGROUND MUSIC FOR MY AWESOME SONG:



(PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE PICTURE OF THE HO-BAGRIHANNA. I SWEAR THIS SONG IS ORIGINAL AND EMMETT USED THAT PICTURE BECAUSE HE THINKS SHE'S HOT.)
 
 
Current Location: GAHH
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Bella (Ella, ella) by Edward Cullen
 
 
 
21 July 2008 @ 11:41 am
So, Rosalie's been quite pissy lately.  I don't know why, but I suspect it has something to do with the stack of magazines she found in Emmett's drawer (she told him she didn't care if he subscribed to Cosmopolitan but I, being a freak, know she was thinking otherwise).  And she's been taking out this anger on me.  I don't really know why, but I seem to be a scapegoat around this house.  Which, to be perfectly honest, isn't new information for me.

My life is hard.

Seth called yesterday.  He wanted advice about this girl, but that's all I know because as soon as he started that sentence I said, "LOL have you not noticed that I'm a 107 year old virgin?  Ask someone else, kthnx" and hung up.  So he asked Alice instead, who seemed to be more than willing to help.  God.  Sometimes it's hard to be this sexy.  Oh my!  I've just had a brilliant idea for a sonnet!  Elizabethan, I suppose.

I'm a sexy vampire
It's harder than it seems
With eyes that burn like fire
Burning a pot full of rice and beans

A solitary soul I thought I'd be
Until that day came
When fairest Bella came to me
Yet weary I remained

Anger and loathing in my heart
Directed at myself
But then I rammed the grocery cart
Right into that stacked shelf

"A shelf of what?" you ask, arching a skeptical brow
"A shelf of despair!" I utter with all the anguish my voice will allow


Isn't it brilliant?  Definitely an improvement upon my haikus from earlier, huh?  But when I read it to the family, they all asked, "Wait.  I don't get it.  What does the shelf have to do with anything?"  And I, being the deep and sensitive poet that I am, answered, "It's called symbolism, you dunderheads, and if I sit here and explain it, it will become rather pointless."

Fare thee well,
Edward
 
 
Current Music: Handlebars--Florbots
 
 
 
18 June 2008 @ 04:36 pm
GODDAMN IT, JASPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT THAT SO-CALLED BROTHER OF MINE DID?

Okay.  *breathes deeply*  We were going to go to school.  This is what happened:

Esme: Hey, guys, shouldn't you be headed to school?  You're going to be late.
Me: We're waiting on Jasper.
Jasper: MY HAIIIRRRRRRR.  UGH.  I NEVER SHOULD'VE GONE TO THAT STUPID HAIR SALON!  LOOK AT IT!  LOOK AT IT!  I LOOK LIKE...LIKE...LIKE...
Me: Like Beyonce with a bad weave?
Jasper: UGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rosalie: Who did your hair, anyway?
Jasper: Some lunatic named Catherine Hardwicke!  
Alice: I told you you should've let ME do it!  But that's beside the point.  I think you look fabulous, darling...
Jasper: *mutters* Yeah, 'cause your hair looks REALLLL hot right now...
Alice: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Jasper: I said you look real hot right now!  Yummy yummy!  You know I love me some psychic vampire booty!
Alice: You think my hair looks bad?  But...but...Catherine said it looked nice...
Jasper: Baby, it looks fine.  Fine like you!  So fine!  Mmmhmm.  Edward, don't she be lookin' fine?
Me: Um...
Emmett: Fine.  Okay.  That works.  It really doesn't matter, you guys.  We all know that me and Rose are the looks of this family. 
Rosalie: Yeah, guys, you've always been tragically ugly.  But that's okay.  We love you for who you--
Alice: What did you just call me, ho?
Rosalie: I mean, seriously, it's not a big deal.  Looks aren't everything.
Alice: Oh, yeah?  Well, then, I'll be honest with you, honey.  You look like a tramp in that outfit.
Rosalie: ...and?
Alice: And...and...YOUR HAIR MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A DRAG QUEEN.  EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE A BOTTLE BLONDE!  AND THAT SKIRT DOES MAKE YOUR BUTT LOOK FAT!
Rosalie: OMGWTFBBQ YOU WHORE! *attacks Alice*
Me: Uhm, guys.  We're going to be late for--
Emmett: Chick fight!  Saweeeeeeeet.
Jasper: Dude, stop looking at my WIFE!
Me: GUYS.  WE REALLY HAVE GOT TO GET TO SCHOOL.  I HAVE TO PICK UP BELLA.
Jasper: Yeah, well, she'll get over it.  Right now, there's a blonde PSYCHOPATH beating up my wife!
Emmett: Hey!  Nobody calls MY wife a psychopath except for ME.  And sometimes Carlisle.
Me: OMG NO ONE CARES ABOUT--
Jasper: Oh, that's right.  There's a FAT blonde psychopath beating up my wife!
Emmett: Ohnohedihnt!  MY WIFE IS NOT FAT!  YOU'RE JUST ANGRY 'CAUSE YOUR WIFE IS, LIKE, A MIDGET OR SOMETHING!
Jasper: *attacks Emmett*
Esme: Children, PLEASE...
Me: STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ANGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  BELLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  I'M SORRRRRRYYYYYYYYY THAT I'M LAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEE!
Everyone: *stops fighting*
Rosalie: ...so.  How about we take the BMW this morning?
Emmett: Sounds good, babe.
Alice: I call shotgun!
Jasper: Yeah, I changed my mind, Edward.  We don't need you to drive us to school in the Volvo.
Me: *twitch*  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

So THEN I was late to school because Bella made me drive the speed limit.  AND I GOT A FUCKING DETENTION.  WHAT.  THE.  HELL.


I HATE MY LIIIIIIIIFE. 
 
 
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 
 
 
07 June 2008 @ 07:53 pm
Sorry for the lack of updates.  Bella and I have been especially busy...but not in the way I'd like to be.  *sigh*

Masturbating loses its appeal when it's done thirty-seven times a day.  It's ridiculous!  I've been working on a new song for the band, but I just can't decide what to write it about.  Meanwhile, Alice has been stalking   following me around asking stupid questions about what to serve at the wedding reception.  Sorry, dear sister, but WTF?  I don't eat.  How the hell should I know what kind of meat to serve?  And I couldn't care less about soup or salad.  And stop asking about champagne.  I can't drink champagne and neither can Bella; she's only 18.

Which kind of makes me feel like a pedofile.  But still, go with the sparkling grape juice.  Charlie's a cop.

Anyway, Emmett's been bothering me with stuff about my bachelor's party--ugh.  

Why won't my family realize that the only thing I actually care about is the wedding night, if ya know what I mean? ;)  I can't sleep, but even if I could, I think that's one night that would remain sleepless.

Fare thee well,
Edward

P.S. I've developed a strange love for reggaeton.  Dame mas gasolina!
 
 
Current Mood: hornyhorny
Current Music: Gasolina by Daddy Yankee (hollerrrrr)
 
 
 
30 April 2008 @ 09:18 pm
SOMEBODY FILMED US DURING OUR DANCE LESSONS, AND I THINK IT WAS ESME. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A NORMAL MOOOOOMMMMMMM. JUST BECAUSE WE LIKE TO DANCE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD FILM IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AGHHHH!!!!!!!! EEEEERRRRGGGGGGGGGG! ANGERRRRR AND ANGSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.




WHYYYY? ESME, HOW COULD YOUUUUU?

Fare thee well,
(ANGST)
Edward

P.S. Nice hairy chest, Rose. Maybe you and Emmett should go for a wax.
(GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.)
 
 
Current Location: AGGGHHHHHHHHHh
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Current Music: ANGERRRRRRRRRRR
 
 
 
20 April 2008 @ 08:38 pm




ZOMG!

Okay, so if you're wondering:  since my awesome siblings and I have been writing in our LiveJournals, everyone knows about us.  SO, in an ingenius formulated by ME, we're telling the world that we're making a movie as vampires!  LOLZ!  Aren't we SMARTTTT?

Anyway...Bella, why don't I gotz no booty?  I'M RUNNING OUT OF KEYBOARDS HERE, HON!

Fare thee well,
Edward
 
 
Current Mood: hornyhorny
 
 
 
16 April 2008 @ 04:11 pm
Okay, guys. Last night, I watched the awesomest movie ever. It's called Hairspray and it stars Nikki Blonsky and Zac Efron. Anyway, it completely rocks. I've had the best song stuck in my head. It's called Good Morning, Baltimore and it's the opening number. This is ONE song that I don't mind singing with Emmett.

And I found a new man-crush favorite actor!

Photobucket 

 
You can link MY larkin ANY DAY, Zaccy-poo!

Fare thee well,
Edward
 
 
Current Location: Baltimore!
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Hairspray