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09 April 2008 @ 01:27 am
So, you may or may not know of the avid political debates lately. As a really old vampire, I find that it's necessary to explain such things to people. So, here you have it, an entire overview of American politics:

The president. This man is the one who calls all the shots--nobody can really do much of anything without his approval, even IF the rest of the country thinks his opinions are ridiculous and the other government officials disagree with him. It's kind of silly. Anyway, here is a picture of the current American president:


I know he may not LOOK very bright, but, trust me, he's made some ingenius political decisions thus far.

Now, three people currently want to take over his office. Well, more than three people do, but I'll only list the people that people care about. The three (important) people are this guy:


This guy:


And this woman:


Now, I know that they're not the most attractive bunch, but it's not all about looks.  A lot of the Pearllary's friends like to say that people are only voting for SquidBama because he's a squid.  Also, Mermaid Mccain believes that he can fix everything that PatBush screwed up.  Don't forget that SquidBama hangs out with people who are definitely NOT helping his campaign.

You know, Bella just got here; I'll have to finish this overview later.  Don't forget to vote!  And please don't smoke weed or do heroin or crystal meth or anything like that.  It's just not cool.  And eat your vegetables.  

Fare thee well,
Current Location: The White House
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: American Idiot by Green Day
07 April 2008 @ 09:06 pm
After watching a marathon of the idiotic show, I've come to realize that SpongeBob Squarepants is amazing.

He is god.

He is Jesus.

There is no point in life without him.

And Emmett looks hot in a thong.

That is all.


Okay, Emmett, I said it.  Now will you please put down my stereo system?  There's no need to throw it out the window, I've obeyed you.  Happy?

Anyway.  I'm running low on keyboards.  Between my sexual urges and Jasper's anger, they really don't last very long.  And I think Bella's been trying to use them too, but, luckily, she does not have a steely penis.

Fare thee well,
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Please, Oh Please, Don't Crush My Stereo System by Eddie and the CDs
27 March 2008 @ 01:38 am
So, I was bored yesterday (Bella wasn't there.  She's afraid to come over now, what with the wedding plans and whatnot) and SpongeBob Squarepants came on.  And he started singing this song, it was ridiculously catchy:

F is for friends who do stuff together
U is for you and me
N is for anywhere, and anytime at all, down here in the deep blue sea!

And now I've got the blasted song stuck in my head!  So I decided to go play a little Mozart on my piano, but even he could not remove the song from my thoughts, and I found myself PLAYING it.  Needless to say, Emmett came rushing in immediately, as he recognized the song.  He sang along, and even once I stopped playing, he WOULDN'T SHUT THE HELL UP.  So now he's chasing me around the house, shouting "EDDIE!  EDDIE, IT'S A FUN SONG!  HAHAHA!  F IS FOR FRIENDS WHO DO STUFF TOGETHER, U IS FOR YOU AND MEEEEE!  HAHAHA!"  Now he's sitting right beside me, humming it to himself and smiling whenever I send him a death glare.  Esme told him to stop it, but that only makes him sing it in his HEAD, which makes it worse.  Oh, sweet Jesus.  He's dragging me off to go watch some more of that ridiculous cartoon.  I have to go or he'll go all psycho on me.

Fare thee well,

P.S. Did I mention that he's wearing some lacey Victoria's Secret number?  AND the tiara?  It's very disturbing, and I'm afraid that this mood of his will be so strong that Jasper will begin strutting around in Alice's undies.  Oh, dear lord, here he comes.

Current Location: Bikini Bottom
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: The FUN Song by SpongeBob Squarepants
22 March 2008 @ 11:48 am
Rosalie must've been bored or something, because she stopped thinking about herself for ten seconds and re-vamped (haha vamp...no pun intended) my LJ.  I think it looks better like this, don't you?

P.S. If one more old woman falls out of my tree with a camera, I'm gonna break the "no human blood" rule.  I promise. 
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
20 March 2008 @ 08:09 pm
Some completely insane people have been stalking me around school and taking pictures of my (very manly and sexy) face! I was in the midst of saying "BELLAAAAAAAAAA!" (or ANGERRRRR....I can't remember which) when they took this one:


 Alice and Jasper were trying to calm me down because I was uber-upset when I saw that crazy old bat hiding behind those bushes.  Ugh.  I know I'm incredibly handsome, but could you ladies try to restrain yourselves?  Bella's getting jealous.  BTW, my virtue is (unfortunately) still intact except for my ass-virtue...I lost that to Jakey Poo, as is Bella's.  

Come ON, Bella!  I thought you were supposed to be the sex-crazed one, not ME.

Fare thee well,
Current Location: The parking lot
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Every Step You Take by Sting
15 March 2008 @ 01:47 am
 I've been feeling particularly sexually frustrated lately.  Carlisle tried to enroll me in some weird sex ed. class.  I mean, it's not like I don't understand how to do it.  You just, you know, stick it in.  So could everyone please take note of the fact that, yes, I DO understand the mechanics of it all, kthnx.  

Anyway, my point is that keyboards can only get you so far.  And ever since Bella offered to strip at my torturebachelor party, I can't help but think about her, naked and dancing around on a pole.  Last night I realized something: I can either sit there and let that pole get all the action, or that pole can be ME.  So I said to myself, "DAMMIT, I WANT TO ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY DAY.  I'M GOING TO RELENQUISH MY VIRTUE TO MY ONE TRUE LOVE."

Therefore, I've made the decision that Bella's been begging me to make since day one.  We shall put the basketball in the hoop, allow the sleeping bud to burst into bloom, stick the lime in the coconut, put the toe in the sandal.

So, my dear Bella, only one question remains: which hotel would you prefer?  I mean, I'm perfectly fine with my house, but there's the whole problem of two freaks who will feel our orgasms/have visions of them, not to mention the fact that my entire family would probably be able to hear it all in great detail.  So I'm thinking a hotel would be best.

But if you get squished under my manly loin...it's your own fault.

Current Mood: hornyhorny
Current Music: I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd
13 March 2008 @ 04:07 pm

I went to Best Buy and bought, like, a buttload of new keyboards.  The cashier stared at me like I was insane and asked me what my problem was, so I lied and said that putting keyboards down your pants can cause orgasms (he believed me and kept thinking about trying it once his shift ended).  But anyway, the keyboards are hidden in UNIMAGINABLE places, so you'd better not go looking for them, Jasper.  And, uh...the Vegas thing ain't gonna happen.  I guess it would've been smarter not to put my plans on the Internet.

The reason I haven't been able to write here as often as I'd like to (i.e. whenever something particularly angsty occurs, AKA every ten seconds) is because of some very exciting news.  WE'VE STARTED A BAND.  And when I say 'we', I mean myself and my siblings.  Alice is the lead singer, Jasper plays guitar, Emmett plays bass, Rosalie's got drums, and I, of course, play the keyboard (as in the piano-like instrument that can play a bajillion different sounds, not the item that people use to masturbatetype with).  I'm also the songwriter, so here's a little something I've put together for us to play:

Look at me
I wear Louis Vuitton because my sister shops
For all of my clothing
But people think
Vampires should be tough
But Bella knows
That beneath my cashmere shirt
There's an unbeating heart
That feels a lot of angst

What's with these vampire myths?
Garlic's fine, but I can kill with a kiss
Why do I have a reflection
When Dracula does not?

Now I have
One person who makes my life
Worthwhile for the first time
But we can't
Have sex because I'm too strong
And manly
And my penis of steel could kill her

What's with these vampire myths?
Garlic's fine, but we can only kiss
Just because the sex is good
Doesn't mean it's worth her life
Why do people think that we
Aren't allowed to be angsty?
Being hot doesn't mean
Your problems vanish

There's sexual frustration in 
My pants
I yearn for the day that she
Will understand

Why is my angst so forgotten?
I am strong, but still downtrodden
Why does no one even care?
About my angst at all?
I can't even slit my wrists
Knives don't cut marble
I'll never cease to exist
Why is it that, in the end
I always lose?

Why do I have a reflection
When Dracula does not?

Yeah, so the rhyming's a bit off, but I think it's really good, even IF Jasper says it sounds eerily similar to Christina Aguilera's Reflection.  It's just because I'm a genius.  SPEAKING OF WHICH: I've had a brilliant idea!  Bella can be in our band and play the electric triangle!  Oh, how wonderful!  TRIANGLES ARE REALLY FRIGGIN' HARDCORE, MAN.  And so is she!  Sa-weeeeet!  I've got to go take this off to Alice to see how she likes it!

Love ya lots,

(If you have to urge to sing along to Edward's completely original song, here's the background music for you.)

Current Location: My Hopeless Little Non-soul
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: I Have No Soul by The SOOOUUUULLL-stealers
09 March 2008 @ 02:31 pm



Stupid vampires.  They keep saying, "Oh, but it's tradition, Edward.  You can't get married without getting a lap-dance first!"  Do they not understand my undying devotion to Bella?  Can their puny minds not grasp the fact that only woman I'll ever need is Bella?  I hate them all!  How can Carlisle allow this?  How can he just sit there and let them throw this stupid party for me?


Oh, Bella!  I can only hope that you will not be upset with me for what they're going to force me to do!

WAIT.  I HAVE AN IDEA.  Bella and I will run off to Vegas!  Sorry, Alice, but you asked for it.  NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP US ON THIS CRAZY, CRAZY RIDE.  

And I'm totally planning on taking Emmett's tiara with us.

Fare thee well,

P.S. No, Jacob, you can't come along for a sexy, sexy threesome.

Current Location: ANGRY TOWN
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: ANGERRRRRRRRR by That Whiny Adolescent Band
05 March 2008 @ 09:48 pm
NEW UNDERWEAR. I hope Bella will like them (I thought they were pretty manly since they say MAN right there on the spot where my manly goods go):

Also, I have considered wearing a thong (thanks for that suggestion,mistresselektra ) but it kept riding up my ass (although I DID find a flag that looked PHENOMENAL with it!)Photobucket

For some reason, men kept hitting on me.

I'm writing astoxic_glory now and I just wanted to say WOAH.  Because, seriously, I had no idea people would find this shit funny.  These are just some other things I wanted to make clear:

1.) YES, I do plan on updating this.  Frequently.  Why?  Because I've honestly got nothing better to do with my time.
2.) YES, you can friend this community, or me, if you feel inclined to do so.  Also, if you have a community and want to affiliate, just send me a message/comment an entry and let me know (my only request is that your community be related to Twilight in some way, shape, or form).
3.) Go ahead and join if you want.  
4.) It makes me feel warm and fuzzy when you guys comment about how these entries make you laugh.  I'm kind of a comment whore, so this is only fitting.
5.) My other fanfiction is not humor, but (seeing as I'm a comment whore) I feel the need to advertise it here.  It's mostly Twilight with a little Harry Potter thrown into the mix (I have a Weasley twin thing).

That's it for now.  I, like Edward, have got very important werewolvesthings to do.  So THANK YOU OODLES for reading.  If I ever get finished with Edward, I may considered lending him to you all so that you can engage in hot vampire sex.

Keep on angsting,
04 March 2008 @ 03:08 pm
I got a new keyboard, so now my caps lock is fully functional once more.  Jasper keeps threatening to rip it off again if I get too carried away with it.  Personally, I don't think I was carried away at all.  How else am I supposed to express my anguish?  Anyway, last night I was extremely bored (my haikus about Bella have shown no improvement) and decided to just, you know, browse through LiveJournal.  I searched my name--big mistake.  All I could find were these absurd things called "fan fictions", which constantly tore my Bella and I apart.  For instance, there were multiple stories that paired her with Jacob.  No, seriously.  Jacob.  And they had sex.  A lot.  Which is kind of ridiculous, considering that vampire sex is a helluva lot better than werewolf sex.  Or at least, that's what I've gathered from everything I hear at night.  Oh, but it gets worse.  There were several stories where Jacob was paired with me.  AGH.  I WANT TO BURN MY EYES OUT FOR BEING SO FOOLISH AS TO CLICK ON--oops.  Sorry Jasper.  Like I was saying, there were way too many "fan fictions" where I had sex with Jacob.  Honestly, a werewolf?  A werewolf?  You have GOT to know me better than that.  Even if Jacob DOES look hunkier than a hunk of Seriously, people, that's just sick.  

I'll try to get my mind off of such terrible things for now.  Today, whilst kissing Bella, she attempted to remove my tight and girly pants made of leather.  I almost allowed her, but I remembered that I was wearing my Strawberry Shortcake boxers today (again!) and realized that I could never let her see them.  She keeps whining about how badly she wants sex, but she has no idea.  I mean, who's the one who has gone AN ENTIRE CENTURY without sex except that one time with Jacob but that doesn't really count because it was last year?  Anyway, I just told her that my manly strength would probably crush her and/or my vampirey super-sperm would shoot out and, like, blow a hole in her vajayjay.  She said she doesn't really care, but I could never live with myself if my sperm of steel hurt my precious Isabella.  GOD, IT'S HARD TO BE THIS SEXY AND THIS CHASTE AT THE SAME TIME.  GAH.  I can't wait until Bella and I can finally--

Hm.  I just thought of something.  My entire underwear collection consists of Strawberry Shortcake, Spiderman, and Dora the Explorer boxers.  I'd better head on down to Port Angeles to shop for MANLY undies.  Do you think leather boxers are sexy?  Jacob said yes, but I'm not sure if that's just because he wanted me to shut up and get in the shower with him.

Goodbye for now,
Current Mood: hornyhorny
Current Music: My Life is a Black, Sexless Abyss by That Really Emo Band